HIKING WITH EVER IN BIG SUR

Here I am hiking in Big Sur with Ever in his early days.

Two months ago we were walking down this same road and i told him he had been on this road 4 times already (altho this was the first time he consciously remembered it). He asked me “mommy, why do you love big sur so much?”
I said “well, sweet, this place is close to mommy’s heart because of how breathtaking it is, beautiful. Many writers have written here and there are frogs. and a big big ocean. and rain. and mist.”

“Mommy what is mist?”
“Mist is water, heated up, rising from the ocean, or descending. clouds. water in different shape.”
“ahh..” he said. his brow is furrowed in presence and inquiry.
“and in big sur, there are many many beautiful trees. and sun dappling through the trees….” I say, looking down at his bright gold bed head salt infused wisps of hair flicking up on the ends of his toddler mane.

“mommy, what are dapples?”
“little spots of light, shadows, that make marks on the ground as the sun goes through the trees.”

a sweet silence. His little warm hand grips mine ever more tightly, subtly. heart-crackingly.
“I feel god here ever. i feel love here. like how i love you.”
“Let’s not use the word god mommy.”
“Okay. there are many words we could use to describe it. Wanna use “life”? “energy”? “source”?” i ask him…leaving long spaces between the words for him to contemplate.

he doesn’t respond.

“You think about it ever.”

More space. Breeze sounds. I clock the pfeiffer gravesite path to my right and remember when Ever, himself, found it the last time we walked here. He had pointed in that direction. I followed his finger and found the gravesite.

“ok.” Ever says. I look into his hazel angel eyes. “We can call it god”.

“Okay, Ever. god it is.”

And we walk. I love my boy and i love this place. I really really really love being a mom, to this boy, in this place.