Value Added Communication (VAC)

by Jeff Zeig

Consider the following hypothetical dialogue:

Person A: We are here.

Person B: Yes, but what good is that?

Person A: Well, what good is anything?

Person B: Yeah, why should we expect anything good?

Person A: There really isn’t any reason to expect anything good.

Person B: Nothing good has happened in a long time.

Person A: Yes, but there is no reason to expect that anything good is going to happen now.

Person B: And anyway, not many good things happen in any given year.

Obviously, this dialogue spirals downward, and it can continue to do so endlessly. Consider what feelings will remain with the participants. They can’t be positive. Let’s call this pattern: Yes-But communication. Those who senselessly and habitually engage in this type of dialogue can join the Fraternal Order of Victims of Life. Yes-But communication is often stultifying. Unfortunately, the human brain is a mismatch detector. It is designed to notice what is wrong in any given situation. In a room full of tall people, you will undoubtedly notice the one short person. In a place where most objects are stationary, you will certainly notice the object that is moving. Perhaps this can be attributed to the days of the caveman when survival could be promoted by noticing, remembering, and avoiding aberrations that could be dangerous.

There are various configurations of communication that spirals downward. When I was studying to be a psychotherapist, one of my teachers said that most communication is SAD JAN: Sullen Silence, Advice, Deceit, Judgment, Attack, and Negativity. Research has possibly supported his theory. In one study, in which a college women’s dormitory was bugged in order to determine the communication patterns of “normal” female college students, statements made included: “Oh, she is a bitch.” “That teacher is a bastard.” “The weather is terrible.”  These conversations could be tabbed: Ain’t It Awful. Ain’t It Awful is considered a “game” in transactional analysis — a theory of personality developed by the renowned psychiatrist, Eric Berne. Games are psychological patterns that are repetitively played and designed to end in a chronic bad feeling, such as depression, anger, or hurt. Berne had a colloquial term for these chronic bad feelings; he called them “rackets.” Collect enough incidents of your rackety feelings and you will most likely develop an existential position of “I’m not okay.” Subsequently, a life script can be created around a concomitant identity, e.g., “I am a loser.”

Berne also categorized ways of structuring time, such as withdrawal, rituals, activities, games, and intimacy. However, he was quite pessimistic about intimacy, stating that people were lucky if they spent five minutes a day in intimacy. A pastime is another way of structuring time. Pastimes are minor and generally harmless patterns played out often enough to literally “pass the time.” They appear in basic patterns of small talk, where people complain about the weather, politics, or bad luck. Ain’t It Awful could be a pastime, as well as a game. And pastimes don’t have to be negative spirals; if used properly, they can be adaptive. People who are dating one another may engage in the pastime, even one with a negative spiral, to ascertain whether or not they want to proceed into more intimate dialogue, which would make them more vulnerable.

Now that we understand a downward spiral, let’s examine a positive spiral. Consider the following hypothetical dialogue:

Person A: We are here.

Person B: Yeah, and we can get to know each other.

Person A: And, we can see what we can learn.

Person B: We can see what we have in common

Person A: Yeah, and there are things that we can learn from each other.

Person B: So let’s spend more time together!

The fulcrum of this type of communication can be summarized as, “Yeah and…” By using or implying that phrase, communication moves in an upward spiral, and participants will be left with positive feelings.

Yeah-And communication is a skill set that is taught in fundamental courses in improvisation where it is a necessity for building spontaneous humor. However, Yeah-And communication can be used in everyday life—and in any relationship.

I often practice couples’ therapy and common communication patterns that I encounter are: Ain’t It Awful and Yes-But. If couples engaged in communication that led to an upward spiral such as Yeah-And, they could avoid couples’ therapy and save money and time. When Yeah-And communication is used in any relationship, the benefits accrue quickly.

Yeah-And is one form of Value Added Communication (VAC). VAC is like putting money in the bank: principle is returned with interest. Study your circle of friends and associates and notice those who are good at VAC. Learn their patterns and experiment with making them yours.

Time spent in developing reflexive patterns of Yeah-And communication and VAC foster goodwill and intimacy. Yeah, and you can enjoy practicing them today!

Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D.
The Milton Erickson Foundation
2632 E. Thomas Road, #200
Phoenix, Arizona 85016-8220

www.erickson-foundation.org
www.evolutionofpsychotherapy.com
www.brieftherapyconference.com
www.couplesconference.com
www.ericksoncongress.com
www.zeigtucker.com
www.emotional-impact.com
www.jeffreyzeig.com

Perhaps the sweetest aspect of being human is found in how inextricably connected we are with each other, regardless of race, gender and lifestyle. Our global community is a wonderful mishmash of different cultures, values and ideas. But as history has revealed time and time again, women aren’t always equally represented. Thankfully, there are a number of incredible female-centered charities working around the clock to make sure our voices are heard.

Alanis is a loyal charitable activist who believes that investing in important causes can yield incredible returns on a global scale (which is probably why she received a Global Tolerance Award from the United Nations), as well as a sense of connection within. Here, we explore eight of her favorite organizations that are devoted to the empowerment of women.

Equality Now

For over two decades, Equality Now has been working tirelessly to level the playing field for women and girls across the globe. The focal point of their work is the idea that basic human rights are our birthright, regardless of our gender; something that inspired Alanis to join the group’s advisory board. By partnering with like minded grassroots organizations, Equality Now turns their words into action. They pinpoint discrimination and identify cases of female abuse and discrimination. And, most importantly, they affect real change. Areas about which they’re particularly passionate include sexual violence, discrimination in law, sex trafficking, and female genital mutilation.

Relationships First

What would this world look like if we all put the quality and functionality of our relationships at the top of our priority lists? This is precisely the question being posed by Relationships First, a nonprofit organization on a mission to transform the world around us by investing in human connection. Cofounded by Alanis and leading authors and leaders within the relational movement (John and Julie Gottman, Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Dan Siegel and Caroline Welch, Sue Johnson, Diane Ackerman and more). This call to action makes sense; think about all the energy we expend on withstanding or buckling within the dysfunctional relationships in our lives. If, instead, we can transmute that pain into a vehicle for awareness and healing, the resulting energy shift is likely to have a far-reaching ripple effect on our day-to-day lives—and the world at large. This belief system applies to not only our physical relationships with others, but also the relationships we have with our own selves and with God. It seems fitting that Alanis herself selected the name “Relationships First” for the organization, with her being a self-professed “relationship woman”.

National Eating Disorder Association

Eating disorders affect a startling number of women (20 million in the U.S. alone). The National Eating Disorder Association is facing the epidemic head on, working toward early intervention and improved access to care. Going beyond treatment, NEDA is using both the media and community involvement to spark a national conversation about eating disorders. The group calls out unhealthy cultural messaging surrounding weight and beauty, and urges us all to come into our true selves. Nurturing the body is an absolutely essential part of this journey, something Alanis believes in deeply. In 2009, she ran the Bizz Johnson Trail Marathon to help raise both funds and awareness for NEDA.

Girls Not Brides

Girls Not Brides is a multi-country, global initiative designed to protect young girls from child marriage. Instead of being forced into unwanted matrimony and sexual activity, the group spreads a message of hope and independence. According to Girls Not Brides, 15 million girls are forced to marry as children each year; some are as young as 8 years old. Not only does this bring their childhood to a grinding halt, it also denies them the opportunity to pursue their education and personal path—a profound human rights violation. Girls Not Brides is blowing the whistle on this archaic and abusive practice.

Attachment Parenting International

Attachment parenting is structured in a way that supports the nourishment and bonding between parent and child—which is what developmental experts say is exactly what our little ones need to create a secure attachment, the platform that allows them to grow into functional and connective adults who can live a life of great vitality, awareness, self-love and contribution. Attachment Parenting International is breaking down the stigmas surrounding this beautiful, empowering movement, and revealing it for what it truly is; an approach to parenting that fosters security, and thereby more compassion, empathy, interdependence and functionality in the world.

P.S. Arts

It seems that American children are being put under more and more pressure to perform on state-mandated, standardized tests. But as the great education leader and author Sydney Gurewitz Clemens put it best: “Art has the role in education of helping children become like themselves, instead of more like everyone else.” Enter P.S. Arts, a much-needed initiative devoted to providing our children with access to the arts. Using in-school programs, the organization reaches thousands of children throughout California, most of whom are in underserved communities. The gist here is that every child deserves high-quality art instruction. And that fostering artistic expression in young people nurtures all the qualities and capacities that allow growth and expansion for them (intellectually, physically, emotionally, etc.) throughout their lives.

MADRE

MADRE is an international, women-centered organization that uses human rights to move social justice forward. In addition to prioritizing emergency and disaster relief and spotlighting rape prevention in warzones, MADRE also mobilizes women throughout the world to take part in female activism efforts. Past projects have included collecting donations of vitamins, medical supplies and breast pumps for the Afghan Midwives Association.

Days For Girls International

Getting your first period is a welcome rite of passage for young girls. One to be celebrated and marked with honor. For many, unfortunately, menstruation brings shame and isolation. Instead of seeing this natural act of the body as a sacred and empowering aspect of femininity, many young girls worldwide are left unsupported, scrambling for feminine hygiene products. By providing eco-sustainable feminine hygiene kits, Days For Girls International helps keep girls from missing school due to their periods. (The organization reports that many of these girls are reduced to using newspaper, mattress stuffing and even rocks in place of pads or tampons.) This charity helps preserve their dignity, allowing them to see their bodies for the beautiful miracles they are.

When I look at what women face giving birth in America today, I notice some historical issues resurfacing. We’ve come a long way over the past century, but there’s a long journey ahead before pregnancy and childbirth are safe for every mother. What surprises me the most is that the United States is the only developed country whose maternal mortality has been consistently on the rise since 1990.

A hundred years ago, most mothers in America delivered at home with a midwife or general practice physician. Maternal mortality rates were alarmingly high. Obstetricians were rare, there were no antibiotics or hygiene standards, equipment went unsterilized, and infections were common. Unnecessary interventions like forceps deliveries, inductions, and cesarean sections often led to death.

A government report in the 1930s laid all this out and spurred new regulatory oversight, safer and cleaner practices, and a shift to hospital births. Maternal deaths subsequently dropped by 71% between 1938 and 1948. By 1948, 90% of mothers delivered in hospitals with access to antibiotics, blood transfusions and strict adherence to hygienic techniques, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

However, as childbirth moved out of the home and into the hospital, women’s voices and wishes were increasingly ignored.

When 1970s feminism hit the United States, women demanded the right to natural childbirth and to have their husband or another support person in the delivery room. My mother gave birth to me during this time. This new push for women’s control over childbirth, combined with better, more restrained medical interventions, had a huge impact on childbirth in America.

C-sections and inductions were done at more appropriate rates. In 1975 the U.S. C-section rate was 10.4% of all births (the World Health Organization says 10% is the “ideal” rate at which C-sections positively affect childbirth outcomes). Later that decade, for the first time in history, maternal mortality rates fell to single digits. Most obstetricians knew how to deliver breeches and twins vaginally and use forceps safely.

The 1990s ushered in the beginning of the obesity epidemic, new strains on an already overburdened health system, and a return to over-medicalized birth. Maternal mortality began to rise, and by 2003, the year I had my first baby, the rate had jumped to 16.8. The American birth climate had regressed; there were too many induced labors that were not medically necessary, and the C-section rate was 27.5%. I didn’t want to be part of those statistics.

I chose a midwife, had a healthy pregnancy, and delivered in a birth center within a hospital. Labor was intense, but with my husband, midwife, doula and nurse by my side, my baby’s birth went exactly as I’d hoped.

Then suddenly, everything changed. I experienced placental complications, hemorrhaged, and within minutes, my delivery room filled with a medical team that saved my life.

My survival motivated me to learn about the life-threatening conditions pregnant women face every day, everywhere. I learned that in some countries, women have no access to basic or emergency maternal health care, while in the United States, many women get medical interventions that put their health at risk — sometimes by choice, but far too many because they lack adequate information or options.

What was most shocking was learning that nearly all maternal deaths are preventable. Once I became aware of these facts, I needed to do something about them.

I chose to raise awareness through a documentary I directed and produced five years ago called “No Woman, No Cry,” which explored maternal health care barriers in four countries: Bangladesh, Tanzania, Guatemala and the United States. After viewing the film, audiences wanted to get involved. Every Mother Counts, or EMC, was born out of this desire among individuals to take action to improve maternal health and reduce maternal deaths.

Our mission is to make pregnancy and childbirth safe for every mother, everywhere. Through strategic partnerships, events and compelling storytelling (through our films, on our website and through social media) we inform, engage and mobilize new audiences to take actions and raise funds that support maternal health programs in the United States and around the world.

Today, EMC is addressing some of the conditions American women faced in the 1930s: poor access to health care, overuse of medical interventions, lack of education and lack of skilled providers. We also face new health challenges like obesity and higher maternal age plus financial, racial, cultural and systemic impediments that leave women of color and low-income women with lower quality care or no care at all.

We face medical-legal, hospital and insurance barriers that are out of sync with women’s needs, like lack of support for vaginal births after C-sections (or VBACs) and mandatory C-sections for conditions that can often be managed safely by vaginal birth.

The United States spends more money on healthcare than any other industrialized country, yet some 650 women die every year from pregnancy and childbirth-related conditions. In our new film series, “Giving Birth in America,” we address some of the challenges and solutions American women face. At the root of it all every mother deserves the highest standard of compassionate health care to ensure safe outcomes for herself and her baby.

That work starts by raising awareness that the United States has a maternal health problem and must make a commitment to reverse statistics. We think it’s 100% doable. Watch and share “Giving Birth in America.” Tell your birth story, sign the Change.org petition, penned by Jennie Joseph, founder of Commonsense Childbirth, which calls on insurance companies and state Medicaid programs to fully reimburse for midwifery and doula care in all 50 states.

Together, we can make pregnancy and childbirth safe for every mother, everywhere.

Christy Turlington Burns is a global maternal health advocate, founder of Every Mother Counts, and the director/producer of the 2010 documentary “No Woman, No Cry.”

Article Credit: CNN.com

My friend leah calls me one rainy afternoon in 2006 in los angeles.

“are you home?” she says. I can hear the thunder through the phone.

“I am!” I say, and wait to hear what adventure she has up her sleeve.

“I just found the sweetest puppy that was abandoned in the park I was jogging through with my brother. She was scared of the rain and thunder and ran right up to me and jumped into my arms…at first glance I thought she was a tiny fox.”

A photo comes to my phone through text.

Ohhhh geeez. This little angel is cuter than any photo of any puppy I have ever seen. Deep soulful dark eyes and golden caramel brown fur that looks silken.

“I went across the street to a pet store to see if they had seen her or knew any information about her” leah says. “they said that someone had come into the store twenty minutes earlier to see if they could just drop her off at the store. When the store said they couldn’t take her, they said they were just going to let her out at the park and hope someone found her.”

My heart sank hearing this.

I look over at boogs. My one and only. My boy. My heart. And I wonder what he would think of this adorable fox-like visitor who was moments away from our front door.

I didn’t have to wonder for long…. I likened their immediate dynamic on my front lawn to two salmon fish chasing after each other—upstream, downstream….with leelee (whose name didn’t come up with until after I went through all the steps that one is to take to legally adopt a puppy and officially become their guardian and “owner”. I was told she is 8 months old) rolling over 6 times in a row, not stopping their joint momentum forward as both of them run at the fastest clip I have seen animals run at with my own eyes.

The sheer glee they are evidencing is surprising and relieving…probably because leelee had me at having seen her photo. And I prayed to the compatibility gods that boogs would like her. And that she would like him. For ultimately, their decision to sibling-i-fy was as if not more important than my wanting to be her mom.

Lee (as I call her) is a precious sweet-sweet. Her tenderness. Her capacity for snuggling. Her feistiness as she pads her paws onto my hands, couch or face when I am wrestling with her. The vulnerability in her eyes. The feisty protectiveness and power in her bark that belies her size. Her licks when she is receiving tons of love. How she rubs her nose when she wakes. How she hangs out with me at night when the boy pups are fast asleep…ready to process the day with me, girl-style, in the kitchen. She looks up at me as if to say: “so…how did it go today?”

I pick her up. Smooch the side of her cheek. And give her 25 seconds to lick my entire face. She loves carrots and green peppers and yams and cucumbers. And she loves to tuck her head into my armpit when I drive or when the environment is too much for her. Her eyes follow me when I walk across the room, just before she gets up to follow me.

She knew boogs was the alpha when they met. She seemed relieved at his having declared it in the silent sweetness between them.

As they napped on top of each other a couple of hours later, I looked at leah. We both had Cheshire cat grins on our faces.

“ummmm.. yea.” I say to her.

“sooo cute.” She says back.

“I think leaving her here would be great idea” I say.

“really?” She says.

“yes. And THANK YOU leah. The greatest gift you could have ever brought me.”

Leelee (named after leah) has never left. Yes boogs was a little bummed when he knew she was officially staying and not just dropping by for tea. But he quickly grew to adore her. I see him licking her eyes when they are about to sleep. I see him wondering where she is when she has the odd vet visit or teeth cleaning…

She is the guardian watch-pup..and he follows through to see if there is, in fact, anything to worry about. They tag team this way.

I think back to when I was living in Germany as a child.

I have a photo of myself holding two stuffed dolls: a white tiny animal. And a small brown animal. Both fluffy. I don’t think of this photo until I am sitting staring at them both, with leelee having become my girl and boogs her brave, sensitive and telepathic big brother. Wow. Prophecy. My eyes well up.

This long-held dream. A vision I never even knew I had from the time I was 3 years old. Here you are boogs. Here you are leelee. I have waited so long to love you both, in person.

Feminism reaches further back than the women’s liberation movement of the 1960s and ’70s. For generations, brave, forward-thinking women have been inviting and even pushing the world to see femininity for what it is; an evolving, dynamic and life-affirming presence that will forever be intertwined within every relationship in our global culture. For women, this has translated into a return to our selves, one in which we’re free to be who we are without shame or apology.

Here, we celebrate the feminists who’ve believed in that message—and contributed toward major societal changes with their work.

Naomi Wolf 

Naomi Wolf wrote a new chapter in modern feminism in the early ’90s when she released “The Beauty Myth,” a bestseller that reexamined what it means to be beautiful—or, more accurately, who’s determining what beautiful even is in the first place. The book pushed back against social norms and expectations; patriarchy and accepted determinants of female self-worth. Wolf went on to become a political advisor to both Al Gore and Bill Clinton, but has remained a centerpiece of what’s been coined “Third Wave Feminism.” Her 2012 book “Vagina: A New Biography” has certainly helped her keep this title. It provides an illuminating look at the mind-body link as it relates to female sexuality. Prior to that, she delved into the social response to pregnancy and childbirth with “Misconceptions.” Both works prove that Wolf isn’t shy about exploring controversial (and often misunderstood) aspects of femininity.

Camille Paglia 

Razor-tongued and unafraid to speak her mind, Camille Paglia has been openly critical of many leading female activists of our time. The cultural critic had an ongoing public charged exchange with Naomi Wolf via the pages of The New Republic, and has been on the receiving end of choice words from feminist icon Gloria Steinem. Still, you have to respect Paglia for her refreshingly honest take on modern-day feminism, which she views as sliding women back to the days of censorship. It seems that the free-speech, pro-sex icon will never stop engaging in the current public conversations about feminism, which is always a good thing.

Suze Orman 

The queen of financial empowerment, Suze Orman is all about awakening women to their own worth. The essence of her message is that we chronically and perpetually under-value ourselves, especially when it comes to work and money. Her work aims to flip that paradigm, giving women the tools they need to stand on their own two feet. Instead of letting others hold the purse strings, Orman urges women to take control of their own financial independence—and, in turn, their destiny.

Susan Sontag 

Beloved writer and political activist Susan Sontag was an artist who lived her truth in every sense. The journals of her youth explore everything from coming to terms with her bisexuality to the interplay between art and consciousness. But it’s really Sontag’s contemplations on writing that have endured. “Art is a form of nourishment (of consciousness, the spirit),” she wrote in 1964. With words like these, it’s little wonder she’s still regarded as something of a role model to aspiring female writers.

Marion Woodman 

Few women have captured the complexities of female psychology like Marion Woodman. The Jungian psychoanalyst spoke often about what she called conscious femininity, placing great emphasis on listening to the body  and the power of surrender. She has also devoted much of her life to the inner workings of our dreams. In this space, she says, the soul clues us into our destiny and desires. This, of course, requires us to get quiet and listen.

Patricia Lynn Reilly

Patricia Lynn Reilly brings divinity, love and light to the masses by way of retreats, lectures, her writing and more. The hallmark of her work is a special focus on healing, compassion and self-love. But perhaps the most powerful thing she’s done has been nudging us to imagine God in a new light. “[T]he exclusive imagining of God as male has deeply wounded women,” she writes. Instead, she dares us to rethink our personal theology and to search for God in ourselves and in the world all around us. She elaborates deeply on this notion in her groundbreaking book “A God Who Looks Like Me.” This type of woman-centered path to the divine will come as a breath of fresh air for both male and female feminists alike.

Vicki Noble 

Vicki Noble blends the ever-evolving nature of the healing arts with the sacred traditions from which they stem. Spearheading the female shamanism movement, she’s a self-described radical feminist healer whose work encompasses yoga, Buddhism and beyond. In addition to the many books she’s authored, Noble also co-created Motherpeace Tarot. In all her efforts, goddess and feminine spirituality takes center stage.

Gabrielle Roth 

Gabrielle Roth delved into shamanism through music, movement and dance. Redefining traditional meditation, she saw dance as the bridge to inner life. In other words, dance becomes the meditation. Dance and movement as prayer. According to Roth, approaching movement in this way frees up creativity and self-imposed limitations, connecting us deeply to the power within. Roth passed away in 2012, but her legacy lives on in the international 5Rhythms movement, which she created.

Ruth Hubbard 

STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering and Math) is the new buzzword within schools, especially when it comes to providing young girls with equal opportunities. (The field is a notoriously male-dominated one.) Biologist Ruth Hubbard blazed the trail for female scientists. Inspired by the women’s movement, she urged the scientific community to take a hard look at the relationship between science and ideology. Hubbard asserts that human biology, which includes women’s bodies and sexuality, has an interdependent relationship with society.

Evelyn Fox Keller 

Where gender and science converge is where you’ll find Evelyn Fox Keller, the famed theoretical physicist who has been viewing science through the lens of feminism for decades. Her groundbreaking work blurs the lines between gender ideologies and our understanding of the world around us. It also points to the limitations that go hand in hand with traditional approaches to science.

Cordelia Fine 

Academic psychologist Cordelia Fine is best known for picking apart gender stereotypes, the biggest one being that male and female brains are wired differently. From a neuroscientific point of view, she’s diving into the enormous impact that culture has on gender roles. In terms of the feminist perspective and science, Fine’s work is among the first to explore the link between neuroscience and sex differences.

Anne Fausto-Sterling 

Who says that evolution is the sole determinant of gender disparities? Anne Fausto-Sterling has long been challenging this age-old assertion. She’s also breaking down the barriers between the sexes, positing that human sexuality isn’t always so black and white. Instead, her take is that it’s more of a greyish spectrum. Casting gender roles in this light has made her a standout in feminist theory.

Alexandra Rutherford

Alexandra Rutherford is a psychology professor whose uncovering the give and take between psychology and feminism—and the many ways in which politics and culture influence this complex relationship. Her latest initiative, Psychology’s Feminist Voices, spotlights the deep and layered history of the feminine presence in psychology over the last half century.

Sabina Spielrein

Some historians credit Sabina Spielrein with giving rise to psychoanalysis, particularly where children are concerned. In fact, she’s widely regarded as having developed child psychiatry. (One of the things she emphasized was the important role breastfeeding plays in child development, proving that she was indeed light years ahead of her time on the topic of attachment.) The Russian physician ran in the same circles as the greats, including Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. (The latter started out as her doctor, then rumored lover.) Her life was taken to the big screen with the 2011 film “A Dangerous Method,” in which Keira Knightley played Spielrein. Despite her love affairs, her scientific contributions stand on their own and trump the titillating stories of her personal life, and she’s widely recognized as a feminist pioneer who directly shaped relational psychoanalysis.