MODERN ATTACHMENT PARENTING, FOREWORD:

In 2012 I saw Jamie Grumet on the cover of Time magazine nursing her son. There she stood: brazen, intelligent, courageous, and, I guessed, in the middle of what might be a hailstorm of reactions and unsolicited feedback. My assumption was that this “feedback” might have been passionate…some excited about her standing there, unapologetic about nursing her son who was still benefiting from this scientifically and anthropologically proven form of connection and nurturance with her. I also assumed the feedback might be filled with rejection and upset—at worst cruel and uninformed and potentially violent in its veracity toward her. I also wanted to let out a yelp for how exciting it was that the idea of being “mom enough” was being discussed publicly in such a forum. That this archetypal role of mother was being put on the table to be openly dissected, along with all that comes with it: The pressure. The beauty. The overwhelm. The maternal fire. The heavy burden of perfectionism. The tenderness. The activism. The unnaturalness of it happening without a village in modern society. I was lit up at the thought that Jamie, with her son Aram would become a symbol… and somehow incite a more active conversation in our culture. A far-reaching conversation on psychosocial and macro levels. To me, this photo on this cover was connoting a step forward in feminism, emboldening an empathy toward the life-giving mother, and I dare say, a nice little jump in the evolution in consciousness itself (no pressure Jamie—ha) as it seemed willing to peek under the hood of what “parenting well enough” even means in our current times. To me, this cover had the potential to shine the light on how attachment is the underpinned movement that dictates what kind of culture and society we create as human beings as a whole. No small role Jamie volunteered to play.

I reached out to her immediately and had the privilege of going to lunch with her shortly thereafter. I wanted to support her, empathize with what I was assuming was a storm-of-a-time for her, and have a rich conversation with someone who was thoughtful and equally passionate about one of my favorite subjects: Attachment. And more specifically, attachment parenting. You can imagine our lunch—a lot of parity and laughing and geeking out and diving deeply into the anthropology, science, physiology, psychology, and developmental effects of the bond of attachment parenting, and all that it yields in our children-grown-into-adults.

So much of the time, we don’t see the full effects of our parenting until our children grow into adulthood, although we certainly have glimpses. And yes, while nature cannot be shifted, the nurture aspect IS on us. As heady and as daunting and exciting and exhausting as that is—it truly is up to us to nail (as best as we can) the “nurture” part. This book is a huge help in that regard. A godsend to those of us who want to know how to approach attachment in our families in such a way that honors our day to day hours and values and considerations that are unique to our way of living.

The perhaps counter-intuitive aspect of attachment parenting is that the more closeness and responsivity and attunement and secure connection a child receives in their early years…the more grounded they feel as they venture out. And the likelier they are to live an authentic and self-expressed and contributing life. With a securely attached person…there is a higher chance that they will move out into the world trusting life, trusting themselves, trusting that love and mutuality is possible…and trusting that they are worthy enough to receive tenderness as well as offer it, and that they can trust themselves enough to be discerning as they navigate around in their relationships. This is the great payoff and effect of our attachments being secure early on in life. This security goes beyond the intellect and anchors itself beyond cognition…into the fibers of our bodies. And I would say keeps the light on in our souls. The good news: Healing and corrective experience can shift things if our caregivers (or we as caregivers) didn’t provide secure attachment. Neuroplasticity and safe-enough relationships can help heal and resolve any ruptures we experienced, later in life. Thank god for that. It does take some of what could be a self-punishment for “getting at this information too late” and softens the blow. Yet wouldn’t it be great if all the energy it took to correct our traumas and sense of disconnection could be spent elsewhere? Wouldn’t it be ideal if we could provide this, as best as we can, so that our children can keep their energy focused on serving their loved ones, their community, and the world at large? Would there, also, not be some element of healing for our very own selves, and our own attachment wounds, in the offering of this attuned kind of love to our children?

This book is a bridge of a kind—an important one—that is beginning to more formally link attachment theory—the theory started by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and expanded upon by leading thinkers of our time Sue Johnson, Diane Poole Heller, Allan Schore, Dan Siegel, and many more. It also touches on the earliest of the stages of development itself—theories originated and expanded upon by Piaget, Erik Erikson, Sabina Spielrein, John Bradshaw, Margaret Mahler, Harville Hendrix, and Gordon Neufeld, among others. This book effortlessly and conversationally touches into how attachment parenting has been ever-present in different cultures around the planet. And most importantly—it shows in very direct, utterly readable and tangible ways how we can apply this understanding into our modern lives. There are as many different approaches to parenting as there are families in this world, all of us with different takes on “how to do this thing called parenting.” Depending upon your reasons for reading this book: Whether it be to inform you for the first time, inspire you in tiny or big ways, affirm what you already know, or usher you toward a path that felt intuitively right but you never had support around you to pursue—may this book serve as a treasure trove of inspiration and application, both. There is so much validating, comforting and enlightening information in this book. May it support you on your path of care that you uniquely offer in your life….and may it thank you for the care it took to pick this book up to begin with. Because this care…for your children, for your family, for their development, for their security…just might contribute to healing and abating all that ails us in this society we live in.

– Alanis Morissette, Writer, Artist, Activist

P.S. I wrote parts of this while nursing, and then pumping.
Thanks, Jamie 

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Alanis Morissette
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part two.

there is such a beautiful
method to the madness, if you think about it. but who can think when the neo-frontal cortex — the part of the brain that plans and manages attention and cognition— is compromised post partum? “compromised” it is, and for good animal-survival reasons— the imperative is to keep
the baby (babies) alive and well and thriving. the body is no dummy. nature intends for the mom to be focused—singularly- on the baby. for those of us who continue pretending to use our cognitive centers well post partum — those of
us who continue to work or continue to “seem fine” and manage so much, who or are isolated to the point where we need to pretend to function “normally” during a time where nothing is “normal”… we are moving counter to what our bodies—and nature—intend. and while so doing, we are plagued by physiological and psychological and biochemical pulls nonetheless— toward baby care. toward baby’s survival.
our office, the lists, responsibilities or not— the body wants momma to be very focused and concerned about the baby’s ongoing well-being. night and day.
the invasive thoughts— borne from the stress hormone cortisol to keep us hyper vigilant about the baby’s welfare— all intended by nature. the edginess… bringing out this momma bear protectiveness, to set boundaries firmly and unequivocally on behalf of self-preservation and the baby—intended by nature. the temporary loss of memory— to keep us fiercely anchored in the present for our babies. the fatigue— can’t really run away from the little angels with our cellular exhaustion holding us in place…the appetite (or lack thereof)—indicating the need for highly nutritious and grounding food, coupled with our needing some communal help from someone to help us with that— all intended to keep the mom protected and helped and alive. the precipitous hormonal drop
to ensure there isn’t —momentarily anyway—any eye toward further procreation when all attention needs to be on this offspring. the insomnia in order to have us “sleep” with one eye open through night to keep our awareness on a newborn or baby whose rhythms have not yet found the 8 hour adult
rhythm (and aren’t meant to). this tendency toward wanting to be in direct and close proximity to our child/children—and feeling terrible if we aren’t—all intended by life to keep this funny species alive. and thriving.
so maybe there IS a method to all this “madness”. and maybe it isn’t madness at all. maybe it is perfect. maybe it is poetry. even as our culture wants to see us “bounce back” and “go back to normal” — ie: high functioning, high cognition, high giving, high yield… within days of giving birth (a birth that for so many was potentially traumatic and requires gentle and slow
healing.. and again… more loving hands around)— we are still subject to these perfect effects of post partum. and so we should be.
a culture that would want us to bypass all this, ignore these normal and intended “symptoms” of post partum… is a society that might entirely be missing the point of what us moms and women are DOiNG once our babies come out. and how it is all meant to be this way. and our resisting of it— my resisting of it— is the only cause of true suffering.
is it any wonder that our attempting to live against the current of our existential imperatives has us feeling out of sorts, confused, bewildered or “broken”? for those of us who fight these natural unfoldings in our bodies and minds and souls post-partum— we are swimming against the tide of life itself.
maybe post partum depression and anxiety and OCD… and any “post partum activity” as i like to call it— is simply
life’s way of ensuring the ongoing unfoldment of life. seeing it this way— it inspires my eye to be on whatever it takes to not let her (me) slip away into the depths without an outreached hand or two to keep us from any extreme. treatment is god, when treatment is needed. village is mandatory for survival. and yet maybe, some of the extreme post partum symptoms have more to do with us fighting how natural what we are feeling is. there is more to this, to be sure. an ongoing sense of cognitive “incomplete-ness” is the name of this game of post partum— and maybe of all of life. it’s a funny thing, to attempt to see clearly in a sandstorm with no goggles. to feel assured and even-footed when our cognition and memory is compromised…there are complexities and considerations to be delved into further. for now, i will pop some magnesium and pray—
perhaps a little less fitfully—that i fall back asleep.

Alanis Morissette